Bathtub Sharks, Scented Pinecones, and EPICNESS
by Psycho and Princess
Summary: A Mary Sue adventure of epic proportions! An OOC Envy, Ling bashing, and two authors with too much free time!
1. Chapter 1

"Hello?" Sophie's voice echoed through the darkness. It was epic.

Truly epic.

"Soph?" Logan called out to her friend, her voice also having an epic effect.

A truly epic effect.

Truly epic.

"Logan!" Sophie called back.

"Sophie, I need to ask you something..." Logan said, her voice leaping to an epic tone.

"What is it Lo?"

"What's with you and the word epic? You've used it-" Logan stopped to count on her fingers. "-six friken' times already."

"Sorry!" Sophie yelled back. "You're the one with the computer! … and hey! Why the heck is it so dark and what is this? Mist? Yeah. That's mist, what the heck is that about?"

"It makes it more ep-"

"SEVEN TIMES!"

Yeah, yeah, I know... Hey! Waddya wanna do now?"

"Um..."

"There's a sale at Penny's!"

"What-? That was really random."

"Ever seen the movie 'Airplane?'"

"Oh-"

"Exactly."  
"How about we make the darkness go away and go to IHOP."

"Okay. Just open your eyes."

"Oh yeah." Sophie opened her eyes to find herself in her room.

"I'll go get some cash." She said, leaving Logan alone in the room with a Fanfiction tab open. That was about the worst disaster ever waiting to happen.

"Logan." Sophie said after she got the proper amount of money. Logan already had five tabs worth of Edvy fanfiction out.

Sophie clapped and a spray bottle appeared in her hands.

She sprayed Logan in the face five times and lightly kicked her in the side.

"No. No. Bad." Sophie said slowly.  
"Hey! Where the heck did you get that?" Logan asked.

"You'd be amazed at what a fanfiction author can get a hold of."

"But why was it full of llama spit?" Logan asked.

"Because silly, water is boring." Sophie answered as she helped Logan up.

"C'mon I'm hungry let's go."

Logan and Sophie walked down the hall, passing Sophie's little brother, Bruno, who was cheerfully playing with Wall-E.

"Dang plotholes." Sophie muttered.

"She will be totally Gangsta and have awesome hair." Logan finally stated as they constructed something of the Devil's work in IHOP. A Mary Sue.

Sophie finished a small sketch of their Sue and presented it to Logan.

"She's perfect! Everyone will hate her!" Logan smiled.

They had a plan for a fanfiction called 'Snow White and the Seven Sins,' where a Mary Sue finds her way to the homunculi, and after 50 chapters of agonizing Sue talk and other Self Inserting from a grammatically challenged Suthor(Mary Sue Author) scenes, she gets killed in the most inhuman way possible.

Their Sue was named Miranda.

Sophie laid the picture on the table, and seconds after that, Logan split blueberry syrup all over it.

Logan held her breath for the lecture Sophie was probably going to give, but it never came.

Sophie was lost in thought. She was comparing her life to Princess Peach's.

Logan shoved the paper in her purse and ate the rest of her pancake as epically as Light eats potato chips.

"EIGHT!" Sophie yelled, ignoring the annoyed looks from the people in McDonald's uniforms.

"Hey, is that blueberry syrup you're eating?" Sophie asked.

"NO" Logan denied really loudly.  
"Yes that is! Didn't your mom say you get really drunk every time you eat blueberries?"

"SHAT (hic) FRIDGEN LIAR!" Logan yelled back, totally drunk.

She lost control and her face went soaring into her plastic cup of orange juice. It promptly broke and orange juice went splattering everywhere.

It even hit Captain Kirk, who was across the room, chowing on a delicious waffle.

Sophie sighed, still shoveling pancake into her mouth even though her front was sticky from the horrendous juice.

She then noticed that the word 'shoveling' had the name of that one Asian guy in Fullmetal Alchemist in it.

Sophie looked down at Logan, who was still laying in the puddle on the table. She shrugged and thought of happier thoughts, like flying penguins.

Later that night, Sophie, Logan (Still drunk), and Bruno sat around a triangle shaped table, because triangles totally pwned circles.

Sophie started to take a drink of her juice when Bruno fanatically started to scream, "DON'T DROWN! DON'T DROWN! BE CAREFUL! DON'T DROWN!"

"She won't (hic) fridgin' drown! 'Kay Tyler!" A non-sober Logan said.

"His name is Bruno." Sophie corrected.

"Oh! Tanks (hic) Snoopy." Logan slurred. For the second time that day, Logan face planted into her own food.

"Oh! Wanna know what me and Wall-E did today?" Bruno shouted.

"What?" Sophie asked nonchalantly.

"Well, first we ate bacon with Chuck Norris, that was awesome! But then Wall-E shocked him, so he got pissed off and took it out on the Progressive lady and-"

"Bruno, what the heck happened!"

"Well of course she died! So I played with her corpse for a while."

"What the heck is wrong with you?" the non-drunk girl at the table shouted.

"Well Sophie, something with that much plastic surgery must not go to waste."

Sophie rolled her eyes at the cute psychopath before he opened his mouth to talk again.

"Hey sister, does it take two to tango?" He asked very seriously with one eyebrow raised.

Sophie got up from the table, patting the psycho on the head as he followed her. She washed her dishes and turned off the lights in the dinning room before trotting upstairs to bed.

Logan was forgotten.

That night, there was a thunderstorm and a creepy strike of lightning struck dangerously near the house. There was scary foreshadowing organ music playing everywhere. Inside Logan's purse, the picture of the Sue was glowing.

It was activated by the magical blueberry syrup.

The picture of the Sue grew larger and larger until it turned into a full sized, breathing girl. Miranda was alive!

The Sue was drawn with skinny jeans and a t-shirt on.

But that was not her taste.

Miranda quickly used her perfect knowledge of sewing and sewed herself a strapless cocktail dress out of the dark purple purse. She dressed into it quickly in the creak of the night

She moved around the house swiftly and so smoothly it was epic.

"Nine!" Sophie unconsciously yelled upstairs in her bed.

The Sue got scared and ran out of the house, her long wavy curls of shinny black hair cascading behind her in the nonexistent wind.

Later in the night, she somehow managed to open the Gate (or the Gate opened it self ooooooooooo WTH?) She was sucked in and was thrown into Amestris while several others were flung out...


	2. Chapter 2

"Ow..." Ed groaned as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Fullmetal, what the heck did you do?" Mustang asked, his face muffled in concrete.

"I don't know? But, hey, did Al get his body back? Or is he a muffin, like the last time we tried?"Ed whined.

"I'm still armor." Al sighed as he approached the two of them.

"Oh. Well that sucks."

"What are we going to do now brother?" Al said once again.

"Well...I'm in the mood for a pepsi, but then again a trip to the petting zoo sounds reaaaaly tempting."

Al nodded. A petting zoo did sound nice. "But, where are we?" He asked.

"We're in the Getto!" Ling shouted as he popped out of a nearby dumpster.

"How do you know?" Mustang asked as he lifted his head out of the smashed ally road.

"Because, look! There's a Walmart over there!" Ling answered.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Ow! What the heck Edward! What did you do this time?" Winry whined as she turned her shoulders back and forth and her limp arms flailed slightly.

"IDK my BFF Jill."

Winry rolled her eyes.

"Hey, anyone seen my one armed ninja?" Ling asked.

Lan Fan, who's name is now One Armed Ninja, popped up right beside him in the dumpster.

"Right here young lord." One Armed Ninja answered as Ling turned to her.

"You were in here the whole time?"

"Well, who else would be playing with your toes?"

"Well, if that was you, then who was playing with my hair?"

"I was!" Envy cheered as he popped up too.

"Great, Envy's here too." Ed slumped.

"Is Hawkeye here?" Mustang thought out loud.

"Yep. All the important characters are here." Riza said, walking over to them.

"Like me." Scar walked over to them too.

"Wait." Ed started. "If all the important characters are here then why is Ling and One Armed Ninja here?"

"Because they are fun to amuse yourself with." Hawkeye answered.

"True, true." Ed nodded.

"Well, where the heck are we?" Mustang asked.

"I dunno? How about we Google it." Scar said as he pulled out his iPhone.

"Nah. Let's just break into a randome house." Mustang said.

Scar was sad. He didn't get to use his iPhone.

Everyone agreed with Mustang and they left.

* * *

"This one looks nice." Alphonse said as they walked by a blue two story house.

"Yeah, let's break into this one." Ed agreed.

Mustang went to knock, but Ling ran in front of him and threw himself at the door in an attempt to break it down.

He failed.

"You suck eggs Ling." Ed said before he grabbed a crowbar to open the door with.

Mustang this whole time wondered why they couldn't just turn the nob.

Together, they walked into the dark house and turned to the left.

Logan was sprawled out on the table. They shrugged and turned away from her to the right.

Mustang took a flight of downward stairs to find a dark room.

Ed and Al took a flight of stairs that went up.

Envy went to find a TV. He couldn't live without his Oprah.

Winry and Hawkeye went to find a bathroom and Ling and the One Armed Ninja went to raid the fridge.

Ed peeked in Bruno's room and Al looked in Sophie's room to find her head and shoulders on the floor and her legs on the bed, looking like she was dead. "Brother...Come here!" Al whispered and Ed came over.

"Should we wake her up?" Al asked.

"Yes, she would know where the pancake mix is."

"Why do you want pancake mix?"

"Er-nothing."

Al shrugged as he want to nudge the girl awake, but before he could do so, Ed ran in front of him and her in the side, sending her soaring across the room and out the window.

"Ed!" Al yelled at his brother's random action.

"She left her side wide open!" Ed defended.

"She was asleep you dummy!"

"Why do you think _I _sleep in a ball?"

"You do not! You sleep spread out all over the bed!"

"It's not my fault I dream about being a bird!"

"Anyways, didn't you learn it's not nice to kick girls out the window-"

"-ever since I did it to Winry. Yeah, yeah, I know the routine Al!" Ed interrupted.

"Well, I'm going to go apologize to her." Al said before jumping out the window himself.

* * *

Mustang entered a dark entered the dark room in search of a bed or something to sleep on.

After using his shin bone for a eye, he crawled into a rather large bed.

He settled down to sleep, until he found out the bed was already occupied.

Sophie's older sister Cobie screamed.

"Ohmygawd! That man on the news was right! You're the bed intruder!"

Mustang jumped out of the bed, startled by the twenty-four year old who was now singing at the top of her lugs while jumping on the bed.

"he's climbing through your window, snatching up your people, trying to rape 'em all! So hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife, because he rapin' everybody in sight!"

Mustang blinked as she repeated the song again.

Hawkeye did not need to know about this.

* * *

Ed started to walk downstairs, but Bruno woke up and grabbed him by the arm. Ed turned around to face the boy.

"I heard everything." Bruno said, dead serious.

"What?

You're in the Pancake Mix Fan Club too. Am I right?"

Ed nodded, also turning serious.

"Well." the boy started. "I got the stuff."

* * *

Al walked over to the girl in the yard. She was limp.

Al looked at her, first assuming she was dead. She wasn't though. She was still asleep.

"Hey Miss, wake up!" He whispered and her eyes popped open.

"Oh, hey Al. What are you doing here?" She asked, not in the least bit surprised.

"You're not surprised an anime character is talking to you?"

"Oh my dearest Alphonse, I'm a fanfiction author. All sorts of weird things happen to me."

Al just stared at her.

"Besides, last night L was here."

"..."

"We had cake."

* * *

Ling closed the fridge after he and the One Armed Ninja had successfully wolfed down: a pizza, some stale fries, a cup of V8, a stick of butter, over 27 different cheese sticks, the whole McDonald's menu and a cough drop. He decided it was time to check the place out.

He and the One Armed Ninja wondered into the dinning room where the found Logan.

They then realized just how fun poking a sleeping drunk person was.

Poke.

.

Poke.

.

Poke.

.


End file.
